February 2009. I am now in UK for half a year. I don't know if it's because of the stress of so much prep or something else, but I have been pretty much emo-ish since the start of the year. I keep making myself feel guilty for things that were obviously not my fault, and I tried telling myself that, really, but a voice in my head just keep screaming, "It's you! It's YOU!! IT'S YOU!!!" I haven't heard the voice for over a year and I think I need time out. Desperately.
Since coming back from the Christmas holidays I had been weight down almost constantly by prep, prep and more prep. I know there are people out there who would said (in an IDK monotone) "Oh heck, if you have so much work, why are you even blogging, go back to do your so-called mountain of prep." OK. I tried. I really tried. Most of the 'so-called mountain of prep', people, is finished just shy of their dateline. But don't applaude just yet. More prep is to come after those are submitted.
That is why I am screaming.
Most of the time it's just a silent scream, but as time passed the silence of the scream has acquired a voice, which is becoming increasingly louder. I startled both Ain and Ili with the scream, and at night I woke up drenched in sweat not remembering what I had been dreaming of. They told me to calm down. Heck, calm down indeed. I started having these throbbing headaches recently which drives me wild, if I am not before, because I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't finish this damn MOUNTAIN OF PREP. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me.
I got some paracetamol and it seem to work. The headache gone, I started on my prep again. I completed half of the total workload and feeling a bit tired anyway, took a nap. And I had the nightmare that I can't remember again. It really scared me. I called my dad and rather than feeling better after the phone call, I felt worst. My headache returned and I down more paracetamol, but it doesn't seem to work anymore. I tried to finish up my prep throught the cloud of headache, but I can't. I think I've reached my limit. Worst of all, I had no idea why I am like this.
So basically people, it's not that I'm lazy or anything. I'm just really, really, out of sorts. Not me anymore. I want to find somewhere and hide, solitude. Maybe I'll be all right after that. Maybe it's all in my head and I really am going crazy after all, like what Hafiz suggested. Maybe. I don't know which to believe anymore.
If sanity is a cliff, then I had no idea where the edge of the cliff is, because of the thick fog. I may be on my way down to the valley below, drawing nearer to insanity. I may still be on the cliff, but drawing dangerously closer to the edge. Whichever it might be, I just want out. NO MORE. Please...
---------------- Now Playing: Tatu - All The Things She Said
